Episode numbers indicate the quote used when the episode was shown for
the first time; in some cases, the one used in Canada is listed where it
was "original" and the USA one was repeated
Note that all quotes were originally in all capital letters, but any
punctuation appears as it did in the original quotes
Openings are listed in the order in which they were first shown
If an episode is not listed, either it did not have a blackboard quote
the first time it was shown, or it used a repeated opening
"x" after an episode number indicates it took place
during the episode
"*" indicates a note
- 7G02 I will not waste chalk
- 7G03 I will not skateboard in the halls
- 7G04 I will not burp in class
- 7G06 I will not instigate revolution
- 7G09 I will not draw naked ladies in class
- 7G07 I did not see Elvis
- 7G10 I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
- 7G13 Garlic gum is not funny
- 7G12 They are laughing at me, not with me
- 7G01 I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
- 7F03 I will not encourage others to fly
- 7F03x I will not fake my way through life
- 7F02 Tar is not a plaything
- 7F01 I will not Xerox my butt
- 7F01* It's potato, not potatoe
- 7F05 I will not trade pants with others
- 7F08* I am not a 32 year old woman
- 7F07 I will not do that thing with my tongue
- 7F06 I will not drive the principal's car
- 7F09 I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
- 7F10 I will not sell school property
- 7F11* I will not cut corners
- 7F12 I will not get very far with this attitude
- 7F13 I will not make flatuent noises in class
- 7F15 I will not belch the National Anthem
- 7F16 I will not sell land in Florida
- 7F17 I will not grease the monkey bars
- 7F18 I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
- 7F20 I will not do anything bad ever again
- 7F21* I will not show off
- 7F22 I will not sleep through my education
- 7F24 I am not a dentist
- 8F01 Spitwads are not free speech
- 7F23 Nobody likes sunburn slappers
- 8F03 High explosives and school don't mix
- 8F03x I will not bribe Principal Skinner
- 8F04* I will not squeak chalk
- 8F05 I will finish what I sta
- 8F06 "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
- 8F08 Underwear should be worn on the inside
- 8F09 The Christmas Pageant does not stink
- 8F10 I will not torment the emotionally frail
- 8F11 I will not carve gods
- 8F14 I will not spank others
- 8F13 I will not aim for the head
- 8F15* I will not barf unless I'm sick
- 8F15x I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
- 8F17 I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
- 8F19 I will not conduct my own fire drills
- 8F20 Funny noises are not funny
- 8F22 I will not snap bras
- 8F23 I will not fake seizures
- 8F24 This punishment is not boring and pointless
- 8F18 My name is not Dr. Death
- 9F01* I will not defame New Orleans
- 9F02 I will not prescribe medication
- 9F03* I will not bury the new kid
- 9F05 I will not teach others to fly
- 9F06 I will not bring sheep to class
- 9F07 A burp is not an answer
- 9F08 Teacher is not a leper
- 9F09* Coffee is not for kids
- 9F10 I will not eat things for money
- 9F11 I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call
- 9F12 The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
- 9F13 I will not call the principal "spud head"
- 9F14 Goldfish don't bounce
- 9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
- 9F17 No one is interested in my underpants
- 9F16 I will not sell miracle cures
- 9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog
- 9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity
- 9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom
- 9F21* I will never win an Emmy
- 9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
- 1F07* All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
- 1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
- 1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
- 1F11* My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
- 1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
- 1F14 I am not deliciously saucy
- 1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
- 1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
- 1F18* I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
- 1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business
- 1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major
League Baseball
- 1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
- 1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical
- 2F33 I will not use abbrev.
- 2F01 I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
- 2F04 I will not send lard through the mail
- 2F05 I will not dissect things unless instructed
- 2F06 I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
Repeated openings:
- 7F14 - repeat of 7F10
- 1F17 - repeat of 9F17
Notes:
- 7F01: This was used for the second airing of 7F01 (a reference to
Dan Quayle's gaff while visiting a school)
- 7F08: To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old
boy
- 7F11: It actually looks like this:
-
I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS
" " " " " "
" " " " " "
- 7F21: This was written in an "Olde English"-style font
- 8F04: Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this
- 8F05: This appears on one line; the rest is blank
- 8F15: Lisa has a blackboard punishment of sorts during the episode;
she has to clap erasers
- 9F01: New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh,
Streetcar!"
- 9F03: During the episode, Marge wrote "I will try to raise a better
child"
- 9F09: Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a
scrawl
- 9F21: This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations
were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy
Series", but it wasn't nominated (in the previous three seasons, it was
nominated for (and won) "Best Animated Program", an award usually given
to single-episode specials)
- 1F07: This was not written "line by line" like the others
- 1F11: A reference to "The Fugitive"
- 1F18: This was used for the 100th new episode