(They can't even spell Quiche)
from (I think) the April 1985 issue of DirecTions
Real Programmers...
- Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell
quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan
food.
- Don't write applications programs. They program right down to the
bare metal. Applications programs are for dullards who can't do systems
programming.
- Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be
hard to understand and even harder to modify.
- Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's
form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did
for them.
- Don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.
- Don't use FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers who wear white
socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get
excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor
simulations.
- Don't use LOGO. In fact <no> programmers use LOGO after
puberty.
- Don't use APL unless the whole program can be written on one
line.
- Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses
than actual code.
- Don't use Pascal, BLISS, ADA, or any of those sissy-pinko computer
science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak
memories.
- Never work 9 to 5. If any are around at 9 a.m. it's because they
were up all night.
- Don't play tennis or any other sport that requires a change of
clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, though, and real programmers often
wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring
up in the middle of the machine room.
- Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they
are the Chief Programmer.
- Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They are
for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and
other mental defectives.
- Don't drive around in clapped out mavericks. They prefer BMW's,
Lincolns, or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are
highly regarded.
- Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven.
Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what
job is running just by listening to the rate the corn is popping.
- Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every
real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to
_us.address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers
despise such petty restrictions.
- Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells
it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat
it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
- Author Unknown